This scurrilous piece, purporting to be from the secret diary of Adrian Newey, was published on the website of itv-f1.com:

I have to confess it to you diary, I found it difficult to wipe the smile off my face. I don’t think I’ve been so amused since Andrea de Cesaris joined Brabham in 1987 and said, ‘This is my year’.

Last week Frog, of ‘Frog & Toad’ fame, had to stand up and tell the press that his beloved Michael was such an enormous club-footed galoot that he drove the car off the road in testing. Yes, and on the very same day that the other Ferrari driver, the one they treat like the Maranello family embarrassment, Rubinho, also drove off the road at high speed.

Two wrecked Ferraris, one prematurely ended testing session and all down to driver error. Whilst the likes of Alex Yoong and Felipe Massa were keeping it firmly on the black bits, two of the most experienced drivers in F1, responsible for the biggest drivers’ wage bill outside of Norbert Dentressangle, were visiting parts of the circuit they’d never been to before.

Oh no, no, no, I don’t think so. The Red Baron was even at pains to point out the following day that he, yes he, the regenmeister, the gravelmeister, the punt-off-the-road-meister, the my-brother-is-my-biggest-threat-PR-meister was at fault. Not even a shrug of the shoulders and an, "I don’t know what happened", but an immediate confession of his total culpability.

It couldn’t possibly have been that the rear suspension failed…could it…Michael? Twice. Hmmm? Hmmm? As the bearded gentleman in the Royle family would say, "My Bottom!"

We all cover up our faults when something goes wrong, but Ferrari have become so good at spinning a web that it won’t be long until they’re draughted in to answer questions about the NHS. Chortle chortle. The thing that really annoys me is that Ron will tell as much of the truth as he can and then gets slaughtered for it. Don’t get me wrong faithful tome, this is not a brotherly thing, but I really do feel for him sometimes. He is a good man in a world of amphibians.

Already he has let slip that he knows a thing or two about the new fire engine. These are big secrets, gleaned through confidential channels. They are such weighty secrets indeed that even I dare not commit them to my jotter. Ron has let it be known in a fairly mischievous way that there could be ‘fun and games ahead’ when Ferrari want to race their new modifications. And what kind of reaction does that bring from the press? Whingeing Ron Dennis headlines, that’s what.

So who was it that wrote a sneaky letter to the FIA in 2000 to get our torque-biasing differential banned? Yes. The Frog squad. And who was it who wrote to the FIA to get our brake-steer system banned in 1998? Yes, The Frog squad. What is particularly infuriating is that this was innovative technology that had been throroughly checked over by the FIA. Inspector Gadget’s wingnut police even came to Woking to inspect the system and run it over the ‘five microns tolerance rule’ and gave it the thumbs up. Yet one letter from Ferrari and all of a sudden it’s illegal.

The excuse the FIA finally came up with for banning it was that - though technically acceptable, it was illegal to the principle of the regulations. I think the ‘illegal to the principle of the regulations’ phrase might make a comeback in 2002 but this time not directed at McLaren technology.

I doubt that Ron will feel the need to write a sneaky letter, he’ll talk about issues openly and honestly. And for his he’ll be rewarded with a pile of Scuderia bile and the opinion that he’s not a very good sport. Yes, the man who lets his drivers race fairly and squarely will be pilloried by the team that has focused on one driver’s monumental ego for seven years! The Red Baron will make a face longer than Nicholas Lindhurst watching a Celine Dion video, shake his head in that affected manner and give one of his it’s-so-sad-they-have-to-drag-it-down-to-this-level speeches.

It’s never nice to see cars go off the circuit at speed because you fear for the drivers’ safety, but once I knew they were okay I had to smile. The season hasn’t started yet but already the cover-ups are well under way.

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